Last week I had a colonoscopy. This was my second time having one. The first one being more than 15 years ago and as my primary care physician had been reminding me, I was “overdue.”
When I went to the clinic, I felt good that I was finally taking care of it. Checking it off my list. While the nurses checked me in and got me set up for the procedure, I cracked jokes, making them all laugh. While going under the anesthetic I said, “There it is…I can feel it. I’m going under...”
Some unknown amount of time later, I awoke the recovery room, eyes not ready to open, I listened to sounds of the room around. As I became more alert, I eventually opened my eyes to watch. Laying there watching and listening I slowly became more present.
“Alan, do you know what color car your ride is driving?”, a nurse asked me from across the room.
I answered, “White. She is expecting a phone call when it is time to pick me up.”
“It looks like she is already here.” the nurse said. “I just called her and she said she was waiting.”
I would be going home soon, I was waiting to meet with the doctor. He would tell me how things went.
I remember what my doctor said after my first colonoscopy, “You’re all set – I could put a gold star on your forehead – I don’t need to see you for another ten years!” And while it has been more than ten years, I expected another “gold star” from this doctor. Or did I?
The doctor walked into the recovery area and looked around. After he saw me he headed my direction. I noticed my anxiety jump. I had no doubt that I would receive a clean bill of health up till that moment as a little doubt creeped up. Dr. B asked me how I was feeling and told me, “everything checked out…couple polyps…pathology…nothing to worry about…five year plan.”
What? Five year what? What is that? And where were my gold stars?
In that moment, I realized that I could have just as easily been hearing “bad news” as “good news.” When exactly had I made a decision to receive a good report?
Over the past 14+ years since my last screening – how much of that time was I living from a decision to care for my health and body? Have I made such a decision? Did my actions in the way I have treated my self and my body worthy of “gold-stars?” And was I really surprised to hear “five year plan?”
As he walked away, an image of myself five years in the future flashed in my mind – I saw myself laying in that same bed…do I want to be in the same situation to honestly not know (based on my actions) what the doctor would be telling me?
I didn’t like the feeling that image provoked. Do I want that to be my experience five years from now? What decision have I made for it to be one way or the other?
My future is the result of what I am living in my present now. I am deciding to live in a way now that will produce the future with results I expect. I am deciding for more gold stars.